Try to be balanced: It’s easy to be biased, it’s hard to be balanced.
Reading time: 3 mins.
Summary
When something goes wrong, don’t rush to blame them or yourself—slow down, understand both sides, and take the smallest step that improves reality. This normally means trying to be balanced.
If something doesn’t go well, how can you respond?
Blame Others (Defence Mode): The vast majority of people say it was the other person’s fault.
Most people are ‘the hero of their own story’.
Or demonstrate Confirmation Bias.
Blame Themselves (Despaire Mode): A minority say it was their fault.
This is being your own worst enemy.
Be Balanced (Understanding Mode): Very few try to be balanced.
Being balanced is hard.
But at least try!
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function" - F. Scott Fitzgerald
This sounds easier than it is. Our brains are wired for quick assessments. We’re descended from thousands of generations of creatures whose ability to synthesise novel stimuli with a lifetime’s data and formulate a faster-than-thought response kept us from becoming another creature’s dinner.
Our brains are wired for everything being the same. Making decisions faster than you can think aka system one aka automaticity.
Knowledge work ≠ Muscle memory.
Much of knowledge work and modern life is doing something you haven’t done before. So, try to respond, not react.
Try to be balanced, and not protect your ego.
Jingle: The closest possible understanding of reality is the foundation upon which all else is built.
Reality first, ego second.
See both sides → Make better moves.
Work Version: You are trying to help the customer
It’s their fault (Confirmation bias, Defense Mode): If you speak to a customer and they say something about your product isn’t good, you then get into ‘defence mode’ and try to explain the product to them.
It’s our fault: You think the product is really broken and get disheartened.
Being balanced (Understanding mode): You listen to the customer, understand what they have said and find a way to improve the product.
Related blogs:
Personal Version: Friend comes to you with something going on in their life (eg career, relationship, etc)
It’s their fault (Confirmation bias, Defense Mode): ‘I can’t believe someone did that, you are better than them, don’t worry you’ll find someone.’ This for many people is seen as being a good friend. ‘Being unreasonably on someone’s team’.
It’s your fault: This minimally happens. ‘You messed up here. You should think about changing your approach.’
Being balanced (deepen someone’s understanding):
Positive Sum Discussion Strategy: Deepen understanding, don’t push your view.
Many relationship therapists work with the idea that their job is to help people deepen their understanding, rather than push them to stay or leave.
If you only take away one thing
Being balanced is hard, but being biased is silly.
Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life.
Being biased, hard life. Being balanced, easy life!