‘I’ vs ‘You’ Statements: ‘I’ Statements can allow you to express feelings without attributing blame.
Reading time: 8 mins
Summary:
'I' Statements are a strategy that allows you to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. Instead of saying "You are making the same mistakes," you could say, "I am concerned because I've noticed similar issues from last year repeating."
The opposite of an 'I' statement is often referred to as a 'You' statement. 'You' statements typically attribute blame or negative intent to the other person, which can escalate conflicts and make the listener defensive. For instance, instead of saying, "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted during our meetings," a 'You' statement would be, "You always interrupt me during our meetings." The latter is more likely to provoke a defensive response because it feels accusatory.
Jingle 1: Turn blame games into gains with the magic of 'I' Statements.
Jingle 2: I want to help you, so I'll use ‘I’ statements, not ‘You’ statements.
*Aside: This is the first blog where I've had chatGPT as a co-pilot. I hope it's increased quality and speed. As an example, I’ve asked chatGPT to help with examples and to turn Duncan dot points into fuller sentences. Please let me know any feedback!
Contents & Equations
1. 'I' Statements facilitate expression of personal feelings without blaming the other person
Accusatory Statement + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Expression of personal feelings without blaming the other person
Work and non-work examples below.
2. 'I' Statements promote self-awareness and accountability
Negative Emotion + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Increased Self-Awareness and Accountability
Work and non-work examples below.
3. 'I' Statements Foster Productive Feedback
Accusation + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Productive Feedback
Work and non-work examples below.
4. 'I' Statements Can Build Better Relationships
Blaming Statement + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Enhanced Relationship
Work and non-work examples below.
5. When not to use ‘I’ statements
Examples below.
Comments:
Done well, ‘I’ statements can turn things from accusatory to helpful.
From negative sum to positive sum.
From pushing people into defence mode to staying in understanding mode.
+++++
Details
The Power of 'I' Statements
Effective communication stands plays an indispensable role in almost every aspect of our lives. From maintaining healthy relationships to thriving in our professional settings, the way we communicate can have a profound impact on our interactions. One powerful tool for enhancing communication is the use of 'I' statements (and not ‘You’ statements) in the right places. This strategy allows us to express our feelings and concerns without blaming or sounding accusatory towards the other party. Here are four key areas to understand about the power of 'I' statements, each with examples.
1. 'I' Statements Facilitate Expression Of Personal Feelings Without Blaming The Other Person
'I' statements create clarity by expressing our own feelings and perceptions, which are inherently subjective. They communicate our personal experience rather than attributing blame or intent to others. This approach fosters an environment conducive to understanding and empathy.
Work example:
Consider a scenario where a coworker constantly interrupts you during meetings. Instead of saying, "You often interrupt me during our meetings," which can sound accusatory, use an 'I' statement: "I feel unheard when I'm interrupted during our meetings. I would appreciate it if I could share my thoughts completely."
Non work example:
If a family member frequently makes decisions without consulting you, instead of saying, "You can exclude me from important decisions," an 'I' statement could be: "I feel excluded when decisions are made without my input. It makes me feel like my opinions don't matter."
Equation time:
Accusatory Statement + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Expression of personal feelings without blaming the other person
2. 'I' Statements Promote Self-Awareness and Accountability
Using 'I' statements encourages self-reflection, as you focus on your feelings and reactions. This practice can promote personal growth by making us more mindful of our emotions and reactions, and it helps us to take ownership of our feelings rather than projecting them onto others.
Work example:
In a situation where your manager constantly gives you tasks at the last minute, instead of saying, "You often give me tasks at the last minute," use an 'I' statement: "I feel stressed when tasks are assigned to me with little notice. It affects my ability to manage my workload effectively."
Non work example:
In a scenario where a family member consistently arrives late for gatherings, instead of saying, "You're always late," you might express: "I feel disrespected and frustrated when I have to wait, especially when I've made an effort to be on time."
Equation time:
Negative Emotion + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Increased Self-Awareness and Accountability
Increased Self-Awareness and Accountability: Owning and expressing personal feelings rather than projecting them onto others.
3. 'I' Statements Foster Productive Feedback
Feedback is part of a healthy professional world, but it's the manner in which we communicate feedback that can make or break outcomes. 'I' statements serve as a positive means of communication during feedback, as they target the problem rather than the individual.
Work example:
Take for example, a situation where a colleague consistently doesn't contribute in meetings. Instead of saying, "You under contribute during team meetings," use an 'I' statement like, "I've noticed that your input during team meetings is often limited. It would be helpful to hear more of your perspectives, as they provide valuable insights for our project. And it should help with career advancement."
Non work example:
In a situation where your spouse or partner forgets to complete household chores, rather than saying, "You don’t do your share of the chores," use an 'I' statement: "I feel burdened when chores aren't shared equally. It would be great if we could divide the tasks fairly, which would help maintain harmony at home."
Equation time:
Accusation + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Productive Feedback
Productive feedback: Focusing on the issue rather than attacking the person, leading to productive dialogue and forward movement.
4. 'I' Statements Can Build Better Relationships
When used consistently, 'I' statements can significantly enhance interpersonal relationships. They show that you respect the other person's perspective and are open to dialogue. This way, it creates a safe space for honest communication, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness and fostering a deeper connection.
Work example:
For instance, in a team situation, instead of saying, "You don't respect my ideas because you didn't incorporate them," an 'I' statement allows you to express your feelings without assigning blame: "I felt overlooked when my suggestions weren't considered in the final proposal. It made me feel as though my contributions aren't valued."
Non work example:
In a romantic relationship, for instance, instead of saying, "You don't care about me because you didn't call," an 'I' statement allows you to express your feelings without blaming the other person: "I felt neglected when I didn't hear from you yesterday. It made me feel as though my feelings aren't important to you."
Equation time:
Blaming Statement + Conversion to 'I' Statement = Enhanced Relationship
Enhanced Relationship: Expressing personal feelings without blaming, leading to understanding, empathy, and improved interpersonal dynamics.
5. When not to use ‘I’ statements:
While 'I' statements are generally a great tool for effective communication, there are some situations where they may not be the best approach. Here are a few examples:
1. When Giving Direct Instructions or Commands: If you're in a position of authority and need to give clear, unambiguous instructions, using 'I' statements can sometimes make your directive seem less assertive or authoritative. For example, a fire marshal directing people in an emergency wouldn't say, "I feel we need to evacuate the building," but instead would give a direct command: "Evacuate the building immediately!"
2. In General, Objective Statements: When stating an objective fact or widely accepted truth, there's no need for an 'I' statement. For instance, instead of saying, "I think that the Earth orbits the Sun," you would just say, "The Earth orbits the Sun."
3. When Time is of the Essence: 'I' statements take time and thought to formulate properly. In an emergency or when a quick decision is required, it might be better to speak directly and clearly. For instance, instead of saying, "I feel we should call an ambulance," in a medical emergency, you should assert, "Call an ambulance now!"
4. When Expressing Positive Feedback or Compliments: 'I' statements can sometimes make compliments about another person's attributes or actions sound more about the speaker than the recipient. For example, instead of saying, "I feel happy when you play the piano," when trying to compliment a pianist's skill, you might just say, "You play the piano beautifully!"
5. In Casual, Informal Conversations: While 'I' statements can help improve communication in more serious or tense situations, in casual, everyday conversations, they might come off as overly formal or stilted. For example, instead of saying, "I feel thirsty, and I would like to get a drink," in a casual setting with friends, you might simply say, "Let's grab a drink!"
Remember, 'I' statements are tools in your communication toolbox—they're not always the best tool for every job. Assess each situation individually to decide the most effective way to communicate.
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